This, is me. Unashamedly. Fearlessly. Me.

“But there were also false prophets among the people, just as there will be false teachers among you. They will secretly introduce destructive heresies, even denying the sovereign Lord who bought them—bringing swift destruction on themselves. Many will follow their depraved conduct and will bring the way of truth into disrepute.” (2 Peter 2:1-2)

When I read this passage, I thought, how can people “secretly” introduce destructive heresies into the church? How is it secret? Wouldn’t we know and recognize it if these heresies denied God’s truth and love, and the sole Lordship of Christ? And then God reminded me of a bitter pill. It is hard to swallow with water, when the horrible taste is left to swim in your mouth. But drown it down with juice or a sweet milk and you don’t even notice it. And it’s the same in life. The false truths are covered in words that appeal to our flesh, that sound good to our human ears. It is wrong for those who twist God’s truth; destruction is on its way. But shame on US as Christians for not knowing God’s word well enough to refute it and help correct others! We need the Holy Spirit to lead us. Forgive us God. Do a work in our hearts. Help us to trust in You and know Your word so that we could grow as Your bride, and ultimately KNOW you Lord. It is not too late to start today!

12:39 AM

So I’m laying here in my bed, fighting the urge to go to sleep. It’s way past my bedtime. Yes. I Adrianna, the infamous night owl, have a bedtime now. Waking up early to teach a bunch of energetic second graders will do that to you :)

I could push it off till tomorrow, but know that if I do these thoughts may float away into another day’s after-thoughts. I feel the urge to write. I know I NEED to. So despite my ever persistent yawns, I will write.

This school year is almost over. Like 7 more weeks and we are finished. With the end of my second year coming around the corner, I can’t help but reflect and think on the places I’ve been this last year and a half, and where I am now, and where God is leading me.

Flashback to a year ago.

In April of 2012, I was done. Burned out, dry like a piece of toast (as my favorite Greek man likes to say). I had had it with teaching, with Yuma, and I was ready to go back home. To St. Louis or Atlanta I didn’t know, but I knew that it wasn’t here. My first year of teaching was an absolute catastrophe. Most people describe their first year as being tough and failing a lot in different areas, but the word “failure” was an understatement. It pains me to even look back in old journal entries from last year. The words “forgotten”, “alone”, “empty”, “failed”, “mistake” and “burdened” are repeated constantly in the pages. I had taught at a very rough school with a group of very tough kids. I couldn’t connect with them or gain any respect from them. I either tried to show them that “I was the teacher and they have to listen” (kind of like a tyrant) or I did the opposite and tried too hard to please them, which laid my insecurities out on the table, along with everything else I tried to hide. I lacked support from my school, which made me believe that I wasn’t worth being invested in. I made countless mistakes and believed that teaching just wasn’t for me. I saw no need for anyone to see any value in me because I saw none in myself. And ultimately, I felt deserted by God, the One steady refuge in this world, even though I knew that He hadn’t deserted me.

I had to fight to rest and find fulfillment in the Lord. This was no mere trial; it was a battlezone. In my eyes my world was crumbling apart, and the enemy tried to keep my gaze there rather on God. My gaze would slowly begin to shift from our mighty God to my failures and circumstances. Yet NOTHING slips through His hands! I am sure many have been there too; the deep, dark tunnel that seems endless.

Yet,

even in the darkness I heard God whisper. Even in the rubble I could see His face.

I saw defeat while He saw pruning. I wanted to flee, and he said “Wait.”

I remember being so broken some days that all I could pray was ‘Wherever you want me to go Lord, I will go. Where you want me to stay, I will stay. This is not about me. It’s not my life. It’s yours. And I will gladly follow You, from now until eternity. No matter what You choose, I trust You.’

It was a tough spot. It wasn’t fun. But that brokenness was so sweet because it emptied me of my fear, my guilt, my eyesight, my SELF, and God was able to come in like a rushing flood, filling me with his Holy Spirit. The days that followed were still hard, but I was empowered beyond something I could have done. It is always God. He was/is our refuge, and we can ALWAYS be confident in Him. He cannot be shaken!

“Though an army encamp around me, my heart will not fear. Though war breaks out against me, yet I will be confident. One thing I have asked of the Lord, that I will seek after; that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to inquire in his temple. For he will hide me in his shelter in the day of trouble; he will conceal me under the cover of his tent; he will lift me high upon a rock.” (Psalm 27:3-5)

His peace, the peace of Christ that we can rest in because He has OVERCOME the world, began to rest inside of me. As I began to follow God’s leading, He started to do a work in my heart. I was willing to leave my life, or my idea of what it should be behind, in exchange for His. And I was able to see bits and pieces of what He had been doing all along. I could never see the full picture; just a stroke here or a splotch of paint there. Slowly, He began to connect the dots…

Within two weeks, I was offered to teach a grade level I enjoyed at a new school, which has been a TREMENDOUS blessing. I love their energy, their kindness (most of them lol), their curiosity, their lack of inhibition. My kids are little bilingual explorers with big dreams :) They CHASE after truth, and bring laughter along with it. It’s cliche but I really learn so much from them about who they are, about myself, about how God sees us. I love what I get to do. It still has its difficult days (I can promise you that) but His grace is SO sufficient for us! I can’t fully comprehend it at times but it is. I hope to fully wrap my mind around it one day.

And in other ways, God just naturally aligned things together; with teaching, in ministry, with friendships and relationships that are constantly growing. Gosh, just thinking about my friends and family makes me smile. I truly love them. They all resemble the community found in Acts 2:42-47, and I only hope we can continue being a light to the world, along with the rest of the Body of Christ in the world. Yuma has softly grown on my heart too, and I can now GLADLY call it home (which I couldn’t do gladly at one point lol). But wherever I am called, and to whatever I am called to can change; I know WHO I am called to, which is my passion.

It’s now way past 2 in the morning, and I am not the least bit tired. Go figure lol.

But as this second year is coming to a close, I am reminded of God’s faithfulness. It continues on from generation to generation, and His unfailing love is constant. Worldly circumstances, though good or bad, do not affect our God. He affects them. With a breath from his mouth they can alter. Now THAT is a God who is unlike any other. I am only expectant with hope at what He is doing now and is going to do. He is GOOD, my friend :) I hope you know Him, and you know this.

Sometimes not compromising means that you’ll be standing alone…and that’s okay. But take heart, because in Christ you are never alone. He is with you always, to the end of the age (peep Matthew 28:20)

God takes His time….but His timing is SO perfect. It’s amazing to look back on the years where absolutely NOTHING made sense…all seemed bleak…the same prayers you prayed everyday seemed like they would never be answered….for strength…for family and friends….for healing….for direction…for grace…and then to look back now, and see how funny/faithful God is. There is no one like our God!