This, is me. Unashamedly. Fearlessly. Me.

Disclaimer: This is by no means a venting session. I simply have some thoughts that I feel are worth sharing. My hope is that someone would be touched, or simply encouraged by it.

I’ve noticed that a lot of people don’t really talk about this subject deeply until after they’re married. Which makes me all the more inclined to share.

Okay. So I’ve been thinking. What if we have this wrong?  Well, what if I have this wrong?

I’ve been pondering this subject a lot recently, and I feel like I have to say this.

Singleness is not a way for me to avoid adult responsibility, fulfill selfish desires, or “rebel against the standards of society by being single because i’m too much of a free spirit and prefer the term ‘partnership’ over submission and see marriage as a ball and chain where I will never be free.” (okay, that’s slightly exaggerated. But just go with it).

Let me explain.

Exactly a year and two months ago, I felt God leading me to be intentionally single. For 3 years. To some, that may seem like an eternity. At the time, I thought it was (Hey, just keepin’ it real). To me, this meant seeking God and His will for my life, focusing on what He has called me to do with this short time I have here on earth, without the distraction of a relationship. At the time I didn’t think I could share a life so intimately with someone if I was still figuring who I was, what I was called to do, etc. (Which I’ve learned is true to some point, but I’ve realized that we’re ALL still trying to figure things out).

Okay, so back to last year.

I had just graduated from Spelman College, an empowering and nurturing institution. Rather than feeling like I could conquer the world, I left feeling unsure. I didn’t know what I would be doing after graduation. And a few months prior, a serious relationship that I was in had ended. That was extremely hard and completely broke me emotionally and spiritually. Even for months afterwards, I was still feeling the effects of it: confusion, insecurities, anger, unforgiveness, you name it.  I am happy to say that God has truly done a work in me since then and has dealt with all the mess. He has been faithful to his word. Believe Him when He says He is “close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” (Psalm 34:18). In that pain was more pain, but I never felt distant from God. If anything, I felt Him even more.

So, shortly after graduation I got a call saying I had been accepted into a teaching fellows program. I was ecstatic. I was about to embark on a new journey to teach young kids in Yuma, AZ. Before then I didn’t even know what Yuma was. But I was excited.

So a couple weeks before I left, I was taking a shower and singing/talking/listening to God, and he told me to give my desire to be in a relationship to Him. He told me to give Him the next 3 years of my life in singleness and just SEE what He would do; the WONDERS that would unfold; the GROWTH that I would have; the FRUIT He would bear.

I thought He was crazy.

I started debating this with Him. Yes. I did. The conversation went something like this.

Me: “What?? No, that can’t be you, God. It must have been the water in my ear.
God: “I’m serious. Trust me. I want you to give me the next 3 years of your life in singleness.”
Me: “Come ON. Is this real? Are you serious?”
God: “Are you really going to ask me am I serious? When do I kid?”
Me: “Oh yeah, you’re right. Wow, three years? That’s a long time. How about two? I can do two. Maybe one and a half?”
God: “What are you so afraid of?”
Me: It’s just that it’s such a long time. I’ll be 25. That’s 5 years from THIRTY. What if I never meet anyone? What if all my friends are married and have families, and I’m still single? What if I realize that being married isn’t the end-all-be-all, and that it’s some worldly desire that I’ve been feeding into? That singleness is actually kinda cool? Badda badda badda. (my reasons went on and on).
God: A-ha. This is where you’re wrong. I’m not asking you to be single because I want to PUNISH you. I LOVE you. I’ve called you as my own. But I see that you’re still hurting. Your heart is SO precious to me. You can’t give a wounded heart to another person and expect it to heal. I want to fix it. You’ll find healing in me, only in me. Give me your heart, and I will give you mine instead. This won’t be painless, but I promise I’ll deal with the pain you have. You’ll find rest, and your heart will mend, better than it was before. You’ll find so much joy and satisfaction in me, you won’t want or need for anything else. Material things, human approval, a man, etc. Marriage in this world is temporary; but I am eternal. Remember, marriage is a beautiful institution that I’ve created for my glory, not for yours. Don’t desire it for the wrong reasons. So, when that time comes, for you to give your heart to your “thief” (reference to Brooke Fraser’s song “The Thief”. It’s poetic. And beautiful. I recommend you have a listen) I will give you the go. Your hearts will be so set on my Kingdom, that you’ll see your marriage is not solely for yourselves, but for the winning of souls.
Me: *Cricket, cricket* (and after a long pause) Yes. Yes, God. I don’t want to desire things that will distract me from you. I trust You. Whatever this looks like. Yes. I just want You.

So as you can see, my outlook on singleness was a dreary one at first. I thought it was for nuns and hippie weirdos. But since that day, my perspective has shifted DRAMATICALLY. Don’t get me wrong, it’s been hard at times. Seeing so many people who are beginning new relationships, or getting engaged/married when you’re single can be semi-disheartening. But then I’m reminded of His promise. And not only His promise to me on that “ordinary” day a year and two months ago, but the promises He speaks through His word. I am wonderfully made (Psalm 119); I am not forgotten (Hebrews 13:5); He chose me and will not reject me (John 6:37-40); His word will always prosper (Isaiah 55: 10-13); He is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and rich in love (Psalm 145: 8); and so many more.

Each love story that He writes is perfectly composed in His way. Mine is waiting until the time is right, and that’s okay. I don’t mind waiting and am in no rush. So until then, and forever afterwards, I will keep seeking His kingdom first. Because that’s the most important.

I realize now that the purpose of me writing this was to point out that singleness isn’t an excuse to avoid responsibility and indulge your selfish desires or rebel against the status quo. I sidetracked and went far, far away from that point. My mistake.

So, in this journey of singleness, I have been blessed to be surrounded by an incredible group of people. The church that I attend in Yuma is full of peeps hungry for God, going out to make disciples in the nations. It’s incredible, and I’m glad I get to be a part of it.

However….(here it comes. Get ready)(Warning: the next statement is a very bare look at my heart. Remember, I’m human and struggle with humanly thoughts too)

At the end of some days, I found my heart becoming haughty. I admired (and still do) these men and women. But I would think to myself, “Man, glad I don’t have kids to deal with all the time” or “Wow, they do WHAT for their spouse? That’s so selfless.” or “I’m SO glad I live on my own and don’t have to answer to a husband or kids.” And my personal favorite: “I don’t know if I want to get married and have kids anymore. It’s SO much responsibility. I have to become dependable to people other than myself. And I have to set aside my own desires for my family’s. I think I would be better off single. I can spend my time and resources how I want and am free to march to the beat of my own drum.”

What the heck?????????????????

Who IS this person? Did I really just think those things?

Yes I did.

And I can’t believe I did. In my thinking process, I refused the idea of marriage and kids based off of what? Responsibility and selflessness. Independence. Comfort.

I LOVE kids. Absolutely love them. I’m a teacher for goodness sake (okay, that doesn’t really support my argument. We ALL knew that one teacher growing up who acted like they hated kids. But that’s not me). And I’ve always loved marriage God’s way. What is wrong with me?

At that point, I realized that I have some ways to go.

Yes, I was growing in my walk and in my purpose. But while gaining that, my pride was getting ahead of me, and I began losing the godly outlook on what the purpose marriage and kids have. I became a prideful, single gal who thought she “had it better” because I had no ties to a husband or some kids.

Isn’t that ridiculous?

I’m learning that I CONSTANTLY have to ask God to check my heart. Just like David asks in Psalm 139. If it’s not checked it gets out of control and starts growing weeds instead of purposeful trees. It becomes cluttered and can’t tell the difference between the good plants and the bad plants. Instead of an oasis, it becomes a junk yard.

I don’t want my heart to look like that. I just want it to look like Christ’s.

There is something INCREDIBLY beautiful about a relationship centered on Jesus. It is selfless. Purposeful. Enriching. Loving and forgiving. Empowering for the couple, encouraging for those watching.  Even to those who aren’t believers, they know something’s different. It’s dripping with GOD. There’s really no other way to say it.

It’s okay to be a little afraid of new things, new relationships or new routines. However, the important thing is to not let that fear keep you from moving forward in the right direction. I’m still learning that, day by day.

I’ve touched on a couple things. But it looks like there may need to be a part two. Until then, God bless :)

~Dri